By Lynn Francis, LMFT
Wholistic Life Coaching
A close relationship with a significant other offers connection, love, fun and a special bond. It also seems to bring about conflict, lack of communication and patterns that can erode the relationship leading to complacency, settling, or separating. We enter into this bond with the best of intentions and expectations whether it be an arranged marriage (still happening) or whether we choose a mate ourselves.
Wholistic Life Coaching
A close relationship with a significant other offers connection, love, fun and a special bond. It also seems to bring about conflict, lack of communication and patterns that can erode the relationship leading to complacency, settling, or separating. We enter into this bond with the best of intentions and expectations whether it be an arranged marriage (still happening) or whether we choose a mate ourselves.
With different levels of consciousness, differing personalities, cultures, changes as we mature and age, how do we continue to grow with our partner over time in a healthy way? We all bring our unconscious, unprocessed needs, wants, and patterns into our closest relationship. This is normal. The good news it can be seen as an exquisite adventure to explore yourself, your partner and the interaction of the two. You are creating a dyad that has never been created before!
A close relationship with a significant other offers connection, love, fun and a special bond. It also seems to bring about conflict, lack of communication and patterns that can erode the relationship leading to complacency, settling, or separating. We enter into this bond with the best of intentions and expectations whether it be an arranged marriage (still happening) or whether we choose a mate ourselves.
With different levels of consciousness, differing personalities, cultures, changes as we mature and age, how do we continue to grow with our partner over time in a healthy way? We all bring our unconscious, unprocessed needs, wants, and patterns into our closest relationship. This is normal. The good news it can be seen as an exquisite adventure to explore yourself, your partner and the interaction of the two. You are creating a dyad that has never been created before!
The underlying challenge in relationships is that we want to be seen, heard and understood more than not. However, our learned ways of relating get in the way of this. There are 4 major conflicts and antidotes as identified by Dr. John Gottman during his 35 years of researching couples. He calls these 4 conflicts the Four Horsemen.
The goal is to interrupt the patterns and eliminate the Four Horsemen by replacing them with an antidote. (All examples below are from John Gottman, Ph.D.) Each horseman is what many of us have learned to say while the antidote is a way to take responsibility and stay connected. The Four Horsemen and antidotes are:
In the following examples, changing our language from negativity to the antidote of feeling heard and staying connected is essential.
Criticism
Criticism is about finding fault and defects in your partner. We grow up in a society of fault and blame. It is in our language – ‘you made me angry.’ Though we don’t deny the necessity for constructive feedback, in relationship, criticism is often covering up a need or desire, present or past that is not being met.
Example:
Criticism: You always talk about yourself.
Antidote: I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight. Would you please ask me about my day? OR I would like time to tell you about my day as well.
This is an extremely vulnerable way to speak to our partners that becomes more comfortable and empowering with time.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is about feeling like a victim or being self-righteous as a protection. It pushes away a confrontation or disagreement. I remember reading a parable about a monk who lived near a town. One day the townspeople came to him accusing him of fathering a baby saying he needed to take care of the baby. Rather than defending himself, he took the baby. Years later, the townspeople learned he wasn’t the father and asked for the baby back. He gave the baby back without defense. This might be an extreme story, but it is easy to see how quickly we want to defend our position in situations.
Example:
Defensiveness: It’s not my fault that we are always late, it’s your fault.
Antidote: Well, part of this is my problem. I need to think more about time.
Notice how quickly defensiveness arises when we think that we are right, or have been wronged, or the other person just needs to ‘get it’.
Contempt
Contempt is when one feels a sense of superiority. We grow up with this sense of duality of right/wrong, us/other, better/worse. When this shows itself in relationship it is not helpful. According to Gottman, “Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated.” Couples need to build their relationship on respect and appreciation and be able to state their own needs and wants.
Example:
Contempt: You’re an idiot.
Antidote: I felt hurt about not being included in the call. I need to be given an opportunity to express my views.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is both physiological and psychological. It means withdrawing physically and/or emotionally from the interaction. It has also been referred to as the ‘fight or flight’ response. It can manifest as silence, changing the subject, or leaving. The problem is when there is no repair, nor resolution.
Example:
Stonewalling: (Not apparent with words but with above behaviors.)
Antidote: Self-soothing in order to stay emotionally connected to partner. This might be leaving for a period of time but with the implicit statement about when and where the conversation will continue.
To re-connect emotionally with our partner may take some processing on our own or with trusted others so that we minimize denial, repression or other ways of keeping the feelings locked. We want to decrease the unhealthy patterns and increase the healthy ones.
All of this is retraining of models learned long ago. In this relationship we are breaking the intergenerational patterns that are not healthy. We learned them in relationship and we create new ones in relationship, increasing closeness, connection and intimacy.
You might notice there is a lot of ‘you, you, you,’ in the patterns and the antidotes are an awareness of self and a vulnerable ‘I, I, I’ with needs and wants. We empower ourselves and the relationship by taking personal responsibility for our part in the misunderstandings
As we pay attention, we notice these patterns arising more easily. It is in that moment that we are empowered to change if you so choose by picking the antidotes rather than the Horsemen. It becomes easier with practice and, actually, at times humorous. Enjoy the process!
A close relationship with a significant other offers connection, love, fun and a special bond. It also seems to bring about conflict, lack of communication and patterns that can erode the relationship leading to complacency, settling, or separating. We enter into this bond with the best of intentions and expectations whether it be an arranged marriage (still happening) or whether we choose a mate ourselves.
With different levels of consciousness, differing personalities, cultures, changes as we mature and age, how do we continue to grow with our partner over time in a healthy way? We all bring our unconscious, unprocessed needs, wants, and patterns into our closest relationship. This is normal. The good news it can be seen as an exquisite adventure to explore yourself, your partner and the interaction of the two. You are creating a dyad that has never been created before!
The underlying challenge in relationships is that we want to be seen, heard and understood more than not. However, our learned ways of relating get in the way of this. There are 4 major conflicts and antidotes as identified by Dr. John Gottman during his 35 years of researching couples. He calls these 4 conflicts the Four Horsemen.
The goal is to interrupt the patterns and eliminate the Four Horsemen by replacing them with an antidote. (All examples below are from John Gottman, Ph.D.) Each horseman is what many of us have learned to say while the antidote is a way to take responsibility and stay connected. The Four Horsemen and antidotes are:
- Criticism – Use a gentle start-up
- Defensiveness – Learn to take responsibility
- Contempt – Describe your own feelings and needs
- Stonewalling – Do physiological self-soothing
In the following examples, changing our language from negativity to the antidote of feeling heard and staying connected is essential.
Criticism
Criticism is about finding fault and defects in your partner. We grow up in a society of fault and blame. It is in our language – ‘you made me angry.’ Though we don’t deny the necessity for constructive feedback, in relationship, criticism is often covering up a need or desire, present or past that is not being met.
Example:
Criticism: You always talk about yourself.
Antidote: I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight. Would you please ask me about my day? OR I would like time to tell you about my day as well.
This is an extremely vulnerable way to speak to our partners that becomes more comfortable and empowering with time.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is about feeling like a victim or being self-righteous as a protection. It pushes away a confrontation or disagreement. I remember reading a parable about a monk who lived near a town. One day the townspeople came to him accusing him of fathering a baby saying he needed to take care of the baby. Rather than defending himself, he took the baby. Years later, the townspeople learned he wasn’t the father and asked for the baby back. He gave the baby back without defense. This might be an extreme story, but it is easy to see how quickly we want to defend our position in situations.
Example:
Defensiveness: It’s not my fault that we are always late, it’s your fault.
Antidote: Well, part of this is my problem. I need to think more about time.
Notice how quickly defensiveness arises when we think that we are right, or have been wronged, or the other person just needs to ‘get it’.
Contempt
Contempt is when one feels a sense of superiority. We grow up with this sense of duality of right/wrong, us/other, better/worse. When this shows itself in relationship it is not helpful. According to Gottman, “Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated.” Couples need to build their relationship on respect and appreciation and be able to state their own needs and wants.
Example:
Contempt: You’re an idiot.
Antidote: I felt hurt about not being included in the call. I need to be given an opportunity to express my views.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is both physiological and psychological. It means withdrawing physically and/or emotionally from the interaction. It has also been referred to as the ‘fight or flight’ response. It can manifest as silence, changing the subject, or leaving. The problem is when there is no repair, nor resolution.
Example:
Stonewalling: (Not apparent with words but with above behaviors.)
Antidote: Self-soothing in order to stay emotionally connected to partner. This might be leaving for a period of time but with the implicit statement about when and where the conversation will continue.
To re-connect emotionally with our partner may take some processing on our own or with trusted others so that we minimize denial, repression or other ways of keeping the feelings locked. We want to decrease the unhealthy patterns and increase the healthy ones.
All of this is retraining of models learned long ago. In this relationship we are breaking the intergenerational patterns that are not healthy. We learned them in relationship and we create new ones in relationship, increasing closeness, connection and intimacy.
You might notice there is a lot of ‘you, you, you,’ in the patterns and the antidotes are an awareness of self and a vulnerable ‘I, I, I’ with needs and wants. We empower ourselves and the relationship by taking personal responsibility for our part in the misunderstandings
As we pay attention, we notice these patterns arising more easily. It is in that moment that we are empowered to change if you so choose by picking the antidotes rather than the Horsemen. It becomes easier with practice and, actually, at times humorous. Enjoy the process!
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